Tuesday, November 30, 2010


We are just waiting now to find out what they will do.

They hold the cards.  We built the house, built the family.  Now we wait.

Don't do what we did.  Sign papers.  Don't assume that you will outlast people.  You might not.

So here I sit.  I don't own a thing now.  My fate is in their hands and I feel I am not on the jelly side of the bread.

Fucking scary.

I try to always be glass half full type of girl, but now not sure if it is a glass of lemonade or salt water.

Just let me know so I can move on.  Can't handle much more.

Asked Bri who she wanted to live with in case anything happened to me.  She said Aloree, in this house.  So if anything does happen, that is what it will be.

Think I need to armor up, or I will lose.  Need to fight.  Can't melt now.

Thursday, September 30, 2010


So...this is a blog.  A Blog spot.  A spot of Blog...

It was recommended by a friend that I write my feelings and emotions.  Good idea.  But publishing them...that is another thought.

I have been told that I am horrible at showing my emotions.

FUCK!!!  Watching Jay Leno and Seal is on.  He is singing a song about belonging to someone.

"You belong to me, I belong to you."  "Look at me, I am one of your secrets."  I cry.

That is what I am hiding.  Right?  I am still in love and always will be with my husband!!!!!  How funny is that?

Why does it take writing to make me cry?  Typing as fast as I can.  Trying not to forget all of the thoughts and emotions that I need to throw-up on this page.

Fuck!!!  WHY?  Things were going fine.  going to go fishing again.  Planning on going back to school.  He was going to make sure EVERYTHING was taken care of.  Now what?  A fight at every turn.  Unemployment got the wrong Jennifer Hammonds' report with my social security number and BAM, no unemployment.  Finally it is here.  A small pittance for working my ass off for the last year.  Whatever.  Workmans Comp, Denied!!!  Got a lawyer working on that.  Don't know what that means.

I HATE BEING ALONE!!!  I want to curl up in bed with someone and be able to complain about them sleeping too close for too long.  I want to snore and have to apologize for my grotesque behavior.  I want to wake up with bad breath and rush to brush my teeth in the morning, as if it doesn't happen.

I just want to be able to tell him one more time that I love him.  I remember out last kiss.  He was at "Lee
s Pond."  Across the street from my work.  Going to take fish out to Beaver Dam's new golf course.  He was so excited to help someone.

He got fish to them, climbed in bed but was up before me.  I remember his arm around me.  Tucked under my arm and holding my hand.

Please, just put your arms around me one more time.  2 1/2 months.  Almost 3.  Why does it hurt now?  Why do I cry at stupid stuff NOW?

ready to sleep.

"Fuck the fuckin' fuckers"

Maybe I will be more sane tomorrow.